U.S. Provisional Authority -- Libretto

  [house lights off, stage light off]

  [intro: Big Green Lady instrumental. (sit in with band, back to audience, patriot hat off.]

  [voice:  "Welcome to AOLMicrosoftVillage Homes.
              Please enter your security code." (beeps)]

  {Patriot hat, bathrobe, jumpsuit, sweater}
  [PATRIOT enters (from upper stage)

     [turn on lamp, sit in chair]

     Another day, another credit.

     {STAND. Remove bathrobe, don VTV headgear (with glowsticks) and glove.}

     what's on Tee Vee...?  [manipulate remote control with high tech glove]

        "'Cops: The Raghead Files' (35 credits)
         'Terrorist Hunter',       (55 credits)
         'Weekly Bombing Review' " (20 credits)

     Ooooof!  I wonder what's on the education channel?

         "Credits: managing your money" -- how to raise your credit limit
            to buy the TeeVee of your dreams!   (10 credits)

         "Adult education: the Jr. High Equivalency Course"  (15 credits per class)

         "The Education Channel is proud to present:
              Your Government -- How it works    (5 credits)"

     I guess I'll watch this.
     [SIT. Turn off lamp]

          [trombone: very quiet, plays star spangled banner]

           "Every year, the Commander-in-Chief appoints members to the
           Supreme Court to replace judges who have passed away.

           And every four years, the "Supreme Court" re-appoints the
           Commander-in-Chief. We call this "Checks and Balances".

           The Commander-in-Chief's advisors are called "Congressmen".
           They are all loyal to the Commander-in-Chief and to the Great
           Employer, AOLTimeWarnerGMWestinghouseMicrosoft, who pays them."

         [trombone: break, then TV fanfare]


         "We interrupt this broadcast with the latest national security alert,
           live from U.S. Provisional Authority headquarters at the White House. Bob?"

         "Thank you Dave. The Commander-in-Chief has just announced the
         latest country to be linked to terrorism, the rouge nation of
         France.  Here at U.S. Provisional Authority, the Commander-in-Chief
         denounced France's "evil dictator", who is "selected" by a terrorist
         regime called "parliament".

            DUBYA: "France has nuc-u-lar power plants and weapons of mass
                    destruction.  France aids and abuts Mooslimoids and

          But Commander-in-Chief Dubya emphasized that he will
          protect us. Already he has ordered the bombing of a small
          province in a terrorist state known as Quebec, which was harboring

  {Remove VTV, begin to put on Dubya's cowboy coat}

  [lights up]

       I used to feel so safe when the Commander-in-Chief came on TV and told
       us "When the US is in danger, I will protect you!" Now he is
       protecting us from France, with its links to terrorism and democracy.

       Commander-in-Chief Dubya tells us democracies are really terrorist regimes. But
       now, there are not many "democracies" left.


       It didn't used to be like this.
       I think I remember, years ago, we had elections.
       We elected the Commander-in-Chief.
       It must be true:
       I remember watching it on TeeVee...

  [turn off lamp, walk to stand on stage, stage light on]

  Yes, Mr. Cheney      [Listen (mp3)]

  [sit on bar stool on stage]

  DUBYA:    America is safer now.
            America is safer from terrorism.
            I have done the right thing.
            I KNOW I have done the right thing.
            ...I think I have done the right thing...
            *I* didn't want this job.
            *Jeb* wanted this job.
            But Daddy, Daddy said.....Daddy said: they chose *ME*.
            I didn't want this job.

  "The Nattering Nabob of Nepotism"

     My Fellow Americans, boys and girls,
     Hi Neighbors,
     Let's take a trip to make-believe land.
     Let's go visit our friend Donnie Rumsfeld
     He's giving a press conference
     that's a big word,
     can you say "Press Confrontation?"

     "It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood...."

  {Military coat, COLONEL'S HAT}

  [walk to podium]
     Let's get started....
     There are known knowns
     there are known unknowns
         -- that is to say, things we don't know that we don't know.

     but there are unknown unknowns
         -- that is to say, things we don't know that we don't know

     and in this administration, there are Unknown KNOWNS
         -- that is to say, things YOU don't know that WE KNOW.

     [put on guitar]

     For example, let me present our plan for our humanitarian relief in IRAQ!
     To emphasize our humanitarian efforts, let me point out that in
       addition to the hundreds of thousands of advance troops,
       we will send 60 soldiers to IRAQ with bags of food and relief.
     Our plan goes a little something like this:

  Bombing for Peace    [Listen (mp3)]

  {remove hat, coat}

  PATRIOT:   Some of us didn't believe in the war.
             Back then it was legal to gather and demonstrate.
             I remember being happy, even though the war was bad.
             I remember being surrounded by patriots, friends, being active.
             We were drawn to a campaign to oust President Dubya.
             I think we had a chance.
             What fools we were - most people stayed home and didn't vote.
             It feels like a distant dream now.

  I Want My Country Back![    Listen (mp3)]

  The Fall  / Code Red

       The 2004 Elections
       Voting machines were in widespread use.
       the vote seemed to be going to the Commander-in-Chief.
       But when hand-counting and exit polls were used,
         the vote seemed to be going to the democratic candidate.
       The voting machines were investigated.
       Before they became the Government in Exile, the Democratic party was legal,
          and they made arguments before the Supreme Court.
       I know it's true....
       I know I saved an article from that time....
       Here it is...

  PATRIOT: [reading from old article, MOVE AROUND STAGE]
       November 11th, 2004: there appears to be an infection of the
       national supply of partially hydrogenated soybean oil, or
       trans-fats, used in the manufacture of most processed foods, by
       a new drug, Realitrol, that appears to be mildly addictive.
       Terrorists are believed to be responsible.   The infection is
       being traced to one central supply in Iowa, the source for all
       the partially hydrogenated soybean oil in the country.

       Sales of mickey dee's french fries have skyrocketed.

       Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control warn that Realitrol
       causes unpleasant side effects, including severe disbelief in
       "The System", outbreaks of wariness, and, most dangerously,
       acute cases of critical thinking.

    [talk to audience]
    [BASS: Section 1 ]

    I remember this time...
    The Realitrol effected everyone.
    people stop shopping at Wal-Mart,
    people are skipping work,
    turning off their televisions,
    walking, riding bicycles
    Donald Trump starts a back to the land commune.
    Suddenly, no one believes the vote
    even Pat Buchanan says he doesn't believe the election results.
    Jerry Falwell comes out and says he's not so sure there's a god.
    Rush Limbaugh says he doesn't believe his own show.

    [ Section 2 ]

    The government
     went to code red alert
     suspended the Election results
     curtailed terrorist activities
       such as public meetings and rallies
    and instituted
       highway checkpoints,
       national ID cards,
       travel visas,
       9 o'clock curfews
    there was realitrol detoxification, re-education, hospitalization
    I remember now...

    pimple faced national guard recruits holding M16s
     guarded checkpoints at all freeway on-ramps,
     bridges, bus stations, subway cars,
     Wal-Marts, television stations, Starbucks

    [break.  Section 3 ]

    Homeland security goons patrol terrorist hotbeds
      such as churches, synagogues, and town halls

    Meetings with more than 10 people are banned.

    The U.S. Provisional Authority is established.
    It comprises Commander in Chief Dubya, Commander Cheney
    General Ashcroft, General Rumsfeld, and Minister of Information Karl Rove.

    It was a Code Red Coup

    [HORN/BASS CACOPHONY. Section 2]


    ...and no one noticed

    [legato Section 3 ]
    No one called it martial law -- in fact it was never declared.

    The Realitrol sources were discovered and the nation's
    junk food supply was happily returned to normal.

    People went back to their cars, their TVs

     "Cops: operation raghead" moved to number three in the primetime ratings.
     rising to the number two slot was "FBI: The radical protester files."
     The top show on tee vee became the insanely popular "Terrorist Hunter".

    People went back to shopping,
      and simply worked around the new restrictions.


        "Attention Wal-Mart shoppers.  Wal-Mart will be closing in 30 minutes
         to allow patrons to return home before the evening curfew.
         Please bring your selections to the checkout counter to avoid
         delay.  Please have your national id card, your citizenship
         papers, your travel visa and shopping permit out and
         available for inspection.
         Thank you for consuming patriotically at Wal-Mart."

     [BASS ONLY: section A]

     {put on business suit coat}

     The Business of the nation was War,
     {put on BOWLER HAT}
      and War was big Business.

  What would we do without WAR

  {remove coat and hat}
  {optional: expose orange jumpsuit}

  Far Enough    [Listen (mp3)]   [256K (8meg) .mp3]

  Saddam Hussein is captured.
  The CNN/Fox Ministry of Information focused on this story, ignoring
  stories about
    detentions at universities,
    subpoenas for medical records of women who had abortions,
    and the declarations
    that political prisoners in Guantanamo Bay
      would never be released
      and would never receive trials.


  Soon after, Osama bin Laden is captured, although looking back,
  I wonder if he had been in custody long before he was trotted out before the press.

  Club Fed    [Listen (mp3)]

  {if you haven't already, expose ORANGE JUMPSUIT now}

      I remember independent media.
      Yes, this was before the
      TimeWarner Bureau of Communications
      instituted a ban on independent radio and TV
      and before the
      SBC/Comcast/Disney TeleCommunication Commission
      created the
      Uniform Internet Access Act.

      eMail used to be private!
      There was even a website that made fun of the U.S. Provisional Authority,
      and promoted a musical about it.

      After the Uniform Internet Access Act, those terrorist web-sites became illegal.

      Now, mere possession of these tapes, files and newspapers
      is an offense under PATRIOT ACT IV.

  Hey Now!    [Listen (mp3)]
      [remove outer shirt, showing hospital shirt]
      [walk onto lower stage]
         I think I remember.
         I was arrested, beaten, interrogated.
         They said *I* was responsible for the Realitrol.
         I don't remember that.
         They put me in a hospital.
         Yet I am free.
         I went to work today.
         I work at the Great Employer: AOLTimeWarnerGMWestinghouseMicrosoft
         I'm here, in my AOLMicrosoftVillage apartment.
         I know I am.


         [walk into audience]

         Was I in a hospital?
         Was I in a room full of patriots, detained, hospitalized?
         Even now, I feel I am not alone here,


         {PATRIOT hat}

         It is as though we are all here in this room again.
         A room full of hopeful patriots from years ago.
         I remember when we had elections.
         Do you?  And you?  Do you?
         I'm sure of it.

         Patriots, I fear that General Ashcroft's storm troopers may
         come in that door any moment.

         In the little time we have left, let me tell you about a lady
         I love, a lady I cannot forget, one whose voice was censored,
         though I still see her sometimes, standing where she lives.

  Big Green Lady