Dear Pen-Pal

Copyright 2003 Laramie Crocker

Dear Pen-Pal,

Thank you for writing. I especially enjoyed hearing about your continuing education at "community college". College sounds very fun. Your family must be very rich to be able to send you. How lucky you are!

I am very excited today. In my country we celebrate today and tomorrow what is called a "Weekend". It is not a big celebration, like "King Dubya's" day, but the people are happy to celebrate anyway. Tonight many people will go to special temples called "Sports Bars" and will drink the ceremonial Weekend drink: "Beer". Last weekend was seven days ago, but it was a very special holiday called "Super Sunday". The people had been celebrating for one "week" in advance. We celebrate this event by burning cars and throwing bottles. Other Sundays, we watch the King lead us in worship of the One True Christ on Television. In two days, the Weekend will be over, and the day is called "Monday". On this day, everyone goes back to work.

We love work. Everyone works for the Great Employer. We love the Great Employer. We call them "AOL TimeWarnerGMWestinghouseMicrosoft". The Great Employer is so much better than how it used to be, when many people did not have jobs. Now we all have jobs and nice Great Employer apartments. Mine is in Microsoft Village, here in EastBay. I work as a software programmer. I love my job. I earn enough credits to be able to afford to go to the temple of the Sports Bar one night a week, and I have also saved up enough to buy my own Television. Most nights I curl up with the television, like most people. My favorite shows are "Cops", "The Raghead Files", "Terrorist Hunter", and "Weekly Bombing Review". Sometimes I watch "Credits: Managing Your Money". Last week they talked about how to save for a bigger TV. Boy, was that helpful! They have these shows on TV one night a week that you can learn things. I am watching the shows so that I can study hard and pass my 8th grade degree. Someday I hope to take the "High School" course. Most people never take the "High School" course, but I would like to have the course so that I can afford to buy a second TV someday.

Every month we celebrate King Dubya's day, and we get to see the King, and Queen Laura, and Duke Cheney on TV, in a long pageant. Of course, we see him every night as he tells us how he is protecting us. We are lucky to have the King. Many years ago, when I was a teenager, he protected us from Iraq. I feel so safe when the King comes on TV and tells us "When the US is in danger, I will protect you!" Now he is protecting us from the latest country to be found out as terrorists, a rouge nation called France. They have an evil dictator, who is "elected" by a communist regime called a "parliament". They have nuclear power plants and weapons of mass destruction. King Dubya will protect us from them. Already he has bombed a small province in a terrorist state known as Quebec, which was harboring "Frenchmen". Long ago, many nations were "democracies", which King Dubya tells us are really communist regimes, and harbored terrorists and Frenchmen. But fortunately, there are not many "democracies" left.

We have a very good system here. I learned about it on one of my TV classes. Every four years, the "Supreme Court" re-appoints the King. And every year, the King appoints members to the Supreme Court to replace judges who have passed away. We call this "Checks and Balances". The King's court is made up of "Congressmen". They are all loyal to the King and to AOL TimeWarnerGMWestinghouseMicrosoft, who pays them.

Oh, well, I should go. I don't want to use up all my Internet Credits in one letter.


P.S. I'm excited for next week, when I will apply for a travel visa to go across the Bay, to San Francisco. I think I have saved up enough credits to go out to McDonaldsWalmartStarbucks!

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Copyright 2003 Laramie Crocker