Good King Wenceslas - da Union Version

Copyright © 2000, Laramie Crocker

There was dis guy, Wenceslas, though I dunno what kinda name that is. So anyway, he's a pretty big guy in da scheme a things, he's pretty much da big boss. So one day some poor schmook come rummaging around his house for some firewood cause da weather's so damn cold, and O'l Wench, he ain't payin his people enough and theys oil's all cut off on account a nobody can pay them prices to Wenceslas Oil and Fuel.

So old Wench, he looks out of his friggin castle there, where his house boy is stokin up da fire real nice and pretty like, and he sees this guy out there. He has half a mind to let da dogs out after da guy for trespassin, but them dogs is all curled up by da fire and ain't a budgin.

So he asks da house boy, "Hey, Jimbo, who's that fellow over yonder?". Well Jimbo knows da guy, he used to work on da line with him, and been over to his shack to play some cards and have a few beers ever once in a while, and whatnot. A good schmook. So he lays it on thick to old Wench, and tells him how hard da guy is workin, yada yada. And he allows as ta how da guy works for Wenceslas Widget and Dreyage, so old Wench ain't got too much to fear. In fact, he tells him, he and his old lady lives over in Wenceslasville past da Wenceslas Tenement House.

So Wench, he gets an idea a goin' to da guy's house and droppin him off some food or somethin as kinda a public relations move.

So anyway, about an hour later, Wench and Jimbo is trudgin across town in da worst blizzard that hit these parts since da lockout of '02. Dem dogs is still back in da house, where any sensible person would be. Pretty soon old Jimbo's feet is gettin frostbit pretty good, and he starts bellyachin a little, thinkin maybe da bossman will take some sense and let him slide back to da house. I mean he's thinkin: "look, four bits a day ain't much to begin with, and them 16 hours shifts is bad enough, but now I gotta catch pneumonia and frostbit to carry some goddam soup to this guy, when old Wench coulda just slipped him a nice fat load a cash when he was up gettin da firewood so's he could stop at Wenceslas Grocery on da way home and got some food for da old lady to cook up...". So's anyway, here's da kicker. Old Wench says nothin doin, and he tells old Jimbo to walk in his footsteps, on account of his havin stepped there musta warmed up da snow just a little, so that'll help with da frostbite. Well da way I heard it, old Jimbo had to keep going and told the boss it was better and warmed his feet so, yada yada, on account a he didn't want to to loose his job, what with the baby comin' and all.

So da guy got his soup, and Wench walked around for weeks thinkin what a great bossman he was, and felt OK when he had to up da factory worker's workday to 17 hours, seein what a righteous guy he was what with da soup and all.

Oh, and he had to fire old Jimbo on account of da problems wit' his feet...