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charts stage-version band-notes
  [There is an elevated stage, on which the band is set up, and a barstool and a podium.]

  [The stage action occurs on the lower stage in front of the elevated stage,
   closer to the audience.  On the lower stage is a comfy chair with a lamp,
   stage left.]

  [house lights off, stage light off]

  [intro: Big Green Lady instrumental. (sit in with band, back to audience, patriot hat off.]

  All My WMDs

    Now is the Winter of our discontent
    made Springtime for me, your President
    since that day of national tears
    I remind you often of your fears
    that woeful day, but timely sent
    has made my tenure permanent

    Steady leadership, in times of change
    I am George W. Bush
    and I approve this message strange
    of gobblins in the closet and my daring-do
    I have kept you safe, for I care for you

    these are years of *my* dominion, these are *my* times
    so you may be afforded laughter at me and mines
    These times do not fret or worry do
    these times do not apply to you
    you of yesteryear,
    in happy democracy
    you who have no fear
    you who question me

    but let us not talk of fear tonight
    let us visit one who is not right
    in his head, he questions me
    calls himself "The Patriot", you will see

    anon, he sits in his abode
    in this year of 2014,

    the 14th year of my illustrious reign
    be not swayed by his melancholy refrain
    of refrains we shall have musical sorts for your enjoyment
    while I take this respite from my employment

    so come, worry not!
    dance when you wish
    laugh if you will
    call out to the characters, take your cue
    they may, in time, call back to you!

    I will away to a secret place
    a veil, a plant, before my face       [lift tree bough in front of face]
    I'll watch our troubled Patri-ot
    while I hide, he'll see me not

    hear the band, let the music swell,
    let the show go on,
    let the Patri-ot his story tell,
    here he comes, anon


  {Patriot hat, bathrobe, jumpsuit, sweater}
  [PATRIOT enters (from upper stage)

     [stage lights out]
         "AOLMicrosoft village homes, center for reconstructive therapy,
          MyMeds, personal dispenser, version 13.9.7.  Please enter your access code. [beeps]
          Thank you.  You have 5 meds scheduled."

     [open medicine cabinet, lights from cabinet light up PATRIOT, audience sees PATRIOT through
     back of cabinet.]

         [taking pills, say the names out loud: ]


         [flush pills down toilet]

         [fade to black]

        I didn't take my pills today
        Have you ever done that?
        She what?
        Yah, well, she would do that....
        See, I didn't tell Nurse Ratched.
        I, I ...

        I didn't take them yesterday either.
        Or the day before that.
        Or the day before that.
        It's strange -- I'm starting to remember things now.
        I remember.....

        I remember a lady
        She was dressed in green
        I can't remember much but... I know I loved her
        I think I've seen her since...

        you really haven't tried it, for more than a day
        well, you don't have to ...
        OK, *fine*, just hide in your TV...
        two can play that

     {Remove bathrobe, don VTV headgear (with glowsticks) and glove.}

     MyTeeVee...  [manipulate remote control with high tech glove]

    "Welcome to AOLMicrosoft Virtual TV, Version, MyTV Home Edition.
     You have -- 15 credits -- in your account
     Main menu.
     Tonight's top picks:"
         'Cops: The Raghead Files' (35 credits)
         'Terrorist Hunter',       (55 credits)
         'Weekly Bombing Review -- with Brit Hume'   (20 credits)"


     "Channel Menu. You have selected: the Education channel"

         "Credits: managing your money -- how to raise your credit limit
            to buy the TeeVee of your dreams!   (10 credits)"

         "Adult education: the Jr. High Equivalency Course  (15 credits per class)"

         "The Education Channel is proud to present: Your Government -- How it works    (5 credits)"

     I guess I'll watch this.

         "Thank you.  You have selected 'Your Goverment' for 5 credits.
          You have 10 credits remaining."

          [trombone: very quiet, plays star spangled banner]

  "Every year, the Commander-in-Chief appoints members to the
   Supreme Court to replace judges who have passed away.

   And every four years, the Supreme Court re-appoints the
   Commander-in-Chief. We call this "Checks and Balances".

   The Commander-in-Chief's advisors are called "Congressmen".
   They are all loyal to the Commander-in-Chief and to the Great
   Employer, AOLTimeWarnerGMWestinghouseMicrosoft, who pays them."
[trombone: break, then TV fanfare] "We interrupt this broadcast with this national security alert, live from U.S. Provisional Authority headquarters at the White House. Bob?" "Thank you Dave. The Commander-in-Chief has just announced the latest country to be linked to terrorism, the rouge nation of France. Here at U.S. Provisional Authority, the Commander-in-Chief denounced France's "evil dictator", who is "selected" by a terrorist regime called "parliament". Here now, the Commander-in-Chief: DUBYA: "France has nuc-u-lar power plants and weapons of mass destruction. France aids and abuts Mooslimoids and Protesterizers." But Commander-in-Chief Dubya emphasized that he will protect us. Already he has ordered the bombing of a small province in a terrorist state known as Quebec, which was harboring "Frenchmen". {Remove VTV} I used to feel so safe when the Commander-in-Chief came on TV and told us "When the US is in danger, I will protect you!" Now he is protecting us from France, with its links to terrorism and democracy. Memory Experience Reality? Realitrol? It didn't used to be like this. I think I remember, years ago, we had elections. We elected the Commander-in-Chief. It must be true: I remember watching it on MyTeeVee... [turn off lamp, walk to stand on stage, stage light on] {begin to put on Dubya's cowboy coat} {COWBOY HAT} Yes, Mr. Cheney     [Listen (mp3)] DUBYA: My Fellow Americans, boys and girls, Hi Neighbors, Let's take a trip to make-believe land. Let's go visit our friend Donnie Rumsfeld He's giving a press conference that's a big word, can you say "Press Confrontation?" "It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood...." {Military coat, COLONEL'S HAT} DONNIE: [walk to podium]
     Let's get started....
     There are known knowns
     there are known unknowns
       -- that is to say, things we don't know that we don't know.
     but there are unknown unknowns
       -- that is to say, things we don't know that we don't know

     and in this administration, there are Unknown KNOWNS
         -- that is to say, things YOU don't know that WE KNOW.

     [put on guitar]

     For example, let me present our plan for our humanitarian relief in IRAQ!
     To emphasize our humanitarian efforts, let me point out that in
       addition to the hundreds of thousands of advance troops,
       we will send 60 soldiers to IRAQ with bags of food and relief.
     Our plan goes a little something like this:

Bombing for Peace    [Listen (mp3)] {remove hat, coat} DUBYA: Elections Schmelections Elections Schmelections ... oh, hello, again! You know, It's not who votes that counts It's who counts the votes In 2000, here a vote there a vote every where a vote vote disenfranchise pass the Freedom Fries count count whoops! count count whoops! in 2004 everyone voted heck, in so many patriotic counties, more votes were cast than registered voters now that's what I call civic participation! It's not in the votin It's in the countin and did we learn how to count! Little Black Box    [Listen (mp3)]
Code Red Coup -- Copyright 2004 Laramie Crocker Before they became the Government in Exile, the Democratic party was legal, and they made arguments before the Supreme Court about the election results. I know it's true.... I remember watching it on my Tee Vee... November 11th, 2004: there appears to be an infection of the national supply of partially hydrogenated soybean oil, or trans-fats, used in the manufacture of most processed foods, by a new disbelief drug, Realitrol, that is mildly addictive. Terrorists are believed to be responsible. The infection is being traced to one central supply in Iowa, the source for all the partially hydrogenated soybean oil in the country. Sales of mickey dee's french fries have skyrocketed. Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control warn that Realitrol causes unpleasant side effects, including severe disbelief in "The System", outbreaks of wariness, and, most dangerously, acute cases of critical thinking. I remember this time...

The Realitrol effected everyone. people stop shopping at Wal-Mart, people are skipping work, turning off their televisions, walking, riding bicycles Donald Trump starts a back to the land commune. Suddenly, no one believes the vote even Pat Buchanan says he doesn't believe the election results. Jerry Falwell comes out and says he's not so sure there's a god. Even the great and unbiased commentator, Rush Limbaugh, says he doesn't believe his own show.

The government went to code red alert suspended the Election results curtailed terrorist activities such as public meetings and rallies The government instituted highway checkpoints, national ID cards, travel visas, 9 o'clock curfews there was realitrol detoxification, re-education, hospitalization I remember now... [ wait for snaps... ] pimple faced national guard recruits holding M16s guarded checkpoints at all freeway on-ramps, bridges, bus stations, subway cars, television stations, Wal-Marts, Starbucks [break. Section 3 ]

Homeland security goons patrol terrorist hotbeds such as churches, synagogues, and town halls Meetings with more than 10 people are banned. The U.S. Provisional Authority is established. It comprises Commander in Chief Dubya, Commander Cheney Minister of Freedom Ashcroft, General Rumsfeld, and Minister of Information Karl Rove. It was a Code Red Coup [HORN/BASS CACOPHONY. put on business suit coat Wait for silence. Section 2. ] ...and no one noticed

No one called it martial law because martial law was never declared. The Realitrol sources were discovered and the nation's junk food supply was happily returned to normal. People went back to their cars People went back to their TVs "Cops: operation raghead" moved to number three in the primetime ratings. rising to the number two slot was "FBI: The radical protester files." The top show on tee vee became the insanely popular "Terrorist Hunter". People went back to shopping, and simply worked around the new restrictions.

"Attention Wal-Mart shoppers. Wal-Mart will be closing in 30 minutes to allow patrons to return home before the evening curfew. Please bring your selections to the checkout counter to avoid delay. Please have your national id card, your citizenship papers, your travel visa and shopping permit out and available for inspection. Thank you for consuming patriotically at Wal-Mart."
The Business of the nation was War, {put on BOWLER HAT} and War was big Business. What would we do without WAR {remove coat and hat} {expose orange jumpsuit} Far Enough    [Listen (mp3)] Cargo    [Listen (mp3)] Rumsfeld hat: Saddam, good to see you we're so glad you arrived safely.... you had a pleasant flight on air force one? good, good did you enjoy the turkey? good, good what? Oh, it was nothing no trouble, no trouble at all yes, George was over there dropping off Thanksgiving dinner Well, your sons Uday and Quasay just can't wait to see you. Now, Saddam, there's just a few things we need to do before we can check you into your new palace in the carribean yes, if you wouldn't mind, these nice people over here will help you with your makeup. this is Bill, he'll be playing the doctor. I'm afraid we need a shot of you with a tongue depressor. And here are your lines you should rehearse before we get the cameras rolling Oh, and I'm sorry, but makeup is going to heh heh going to do something absolutely wild to your hair. But don't worry, it will all wash out and you'll be sipping your margarita on the beach in no time flat! Club Fed    [Listen (mp3)] {if you haven't already, expose ORANGE JUMPSUIT now} I remember the Free Press. Yes, this was before the TimeWarner Bureau of Communications instituted a ban on independent radio and TV and before the SBC/Comcast/Disney TeleCommunication Commission created the Uniform Internet Access Act. eMail used to be private! There was even a website that made fun of the U.S. Provisional Authority, and promoted a musical about it. After the Uniform Internet Access Act, those terrorist web-sites became illegal. Now, mere possession of these tapes, files and newspapers is an offense under PATRIOT ACT IV. Hey Now!    [Listen (mp3)]
      [first, as Puck, twirls around stage]

      Ah, the PATRIOT ACT!
      My pappy had it not, when
        his little war begun
      I guess it takes a real man
        to show him how it's done

      A million people in the streets?
      Hah! A focus group.
      Rounding up protesterizers?
      "Free Speach Zones". Brilliant!

      Hah hah!
      The PATRIOT ACT is helpful
        of this we can be certain
      Pay no attention to the man
        behind the curtain
      For I am the great and powerful Oz!
      Watch me now, how I secured these great laws:

     [put on guitar]
     [getting into character, more seriously: ]
      America is safer now.
      America is safer from terrorism.
      I have done the right thing.
      I KNOW I have done the right thing.
      ...I think I have done the right thing...
      *I* didn't want this job.
      *Jeb* wanted this job.
      But Daddy, Daddy said....
      Daddy said: they chose *ME*.
      I didn't want this job.
[Dubya: sit on bar stool on stage] "The Nattering Nabob of Nepotism" [remove outer shirt, showing hospital shirt] [walk onto lower stage] PATRIOT: I think I remember. I was arrested, beaten, interrogated. They said *I* was responsible for the Realitrol. I don't remember that. They put me in a hospital. Yet I am free. I work at the Great Employer: AOLTimeWarnerGMWestinghouseMicrosoft I'm here, in AOLMicrosoftVillage, in the center for reconstructive therapy. I know I am. Memory Experience Reality? Realitrol? [walk into audience] This is a hospital? Was I in a room full of patriots, detained, hospitalized? Even now, I know I am not alone here, Are you all patriots...? Experience? Reality? {PATRIOT hat} It is as though we are all just at an organizing meeting. A room full of hopeful patriots from years ago. I remember when we had elections. Do you? And you? Do you? I'm sure of it. Patriots, I fear that General Ashcroft's storm troopers may come in that door any moment. In the little time we have left, let me tell you about the lady I love, the lady in green a lady I cannot forget, one whose voice was censored, though I still see her sometimes, standing where she lives. Big Green Lady I Want My Country Back![    Listen (mp3)]

This is, like DUH, a PARODY.
Copyright 2004 Laramie Crocker / U.S. Provisional Authority

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